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5 simple steps to prepare the mob for Tom DeLay’s money laundering trial in Austin.

2010 August 26

Looks like Tom DeLay is coming to Austin, y’all!! Yesterday, despite Mr DeLay’s fears that the good folks of Austin were too liberal to give him a fair trial, a judge ruled that Mr DeLay would indeed be tried for money laundering in Travis County. Mr DeLay has reason to be scared, not because we Austinites would be unjust; instead, the gerrymandering scumbag needs to be afraid of the LIBERAL MOB that might try to run him out of town on a rail.

So, fair and just people of Austin, let’s give Mr Delay a warm welcome. Here’s how to prepare:

1. Get torches and pitch forks.

What good is an angry mob if you can’t seem unruly. And nothing says unruly like torches and pitch forks. I believe you can find both at Home Depot or Lowes (or for a local alternative, try Breed & Co!)

2. Get tar and feathers.

Nothing drives “You’re a scumbag” home like tar and fathers. In fact, tar and feathering is the tuxedo of mob rule: It’s a classic that never goes out of style.

Not quite sure where to get the tar, tho…maybe someone can steal some from the repaving of MOPAC? As for feathers, quite a few households in Travis Heights, Bouldin Creek and the East Side have chicken coops-so we’ll probably be able to roundup enough for a fat cat like DeLay.

3. Assemble the mob.

I’m not exactly sure how this is traditionally done. I do know, however, that it’s kinda hard to get people in Austin to do anything that doesn’t involve music or booze. Maybe folks will come out if we can give away free Titos, Treaty Oak or Lonestar? Hmmm…the Thursday Night Bike Social gets about 500 people or so on each ride-maybe we can talk to them!

4. Storm the castle.

Should we get this march permitted, or just kinda wing it? We wouldn’t want our mob to offend anyone, so maybe we should file for proper permits. Also, I feel like it will move at the same pace as the Zombie March. Should we have an after party once the mob has dispersed?

5. Ride DeLay out on a rail.

Thanks to Capitol Metro, we’ve got an extremely overpriced Metro Rail on which we can send DeLay out of town. The multi-million dollar transit project should be expensive enough for his fat cat tushie. And I’m sure Cedar Park will welcome him with open arms.

Bonus: Run up on Perry’s Mansion.

Would anyone be interested in continuing the mob over to Rick Perry’s $10,000/month tax-payer funded mansion in West Austin? Kinda worried all the hairspray holding that diva hair in place will ignite with all the torches around…

Do you think North or South Austin will have more folks representing?

Is tar and feathering eco-friendly?

Was the US Constitution set up to prevent mob rule?

Who is more fair: Democrats or Republicans?


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