Skip to content

7 reasons why Dallas is actually tons cooler than Austin.

2010 April 1

Not sure if you folks knew this, but I took a trip to Dallas a couple of weeks ago. I stood out like a sore thumb, and people were constantly asking me where I was from. Once I mentioned Austin, they smiled and said, “I thought so.” Almost all proceeded to tell me why they love Dallas. And after my visit, I might be considering a move.

7 reasons why Dallas is a much better city than Austin:

  • A commute that offers the enjoyment of hours in your car each day is very relaxing.
  • When people all look the same and act the same, they’re easier to get along with. Think Stepford Wives!
  • More concrete than trees means never having to deal with pesky fall leaves!
  • Consumer culture means more money circulating through the economy.
  • Living in a place with a map that kind of looks like a penis is hot.
  • Needing a car to drive everywhere actually saves you energy, allowing your legs a better workout in the gym.
  • New studies show that smog is actually better for your health.

Well, writing this list has sealed the deal. Who needs music, cycling, the lakes and Barton Springs? I’m moving to Dallas.

Effective today, April 1st, 2010, this site will be known as the “Republic of Dallas.” Austin just isn’t cool enough for me. Expect to see lots of videos of me sitting in traffic and photos of women with big hair.

Dallas offers a beautiful array of concrete freeways for your driving pleasure.

More concrete than trees, Dallas is a driver's paradise.

Map of Dallas was actually designed to look like a large penis.

The new "Republic of Dallas" banner.

Like what you see? Add our RSS feed! [what’s that?]. Or start your morning with Republic of Austin in your InBox! Or read us 24-7 on Twitter!

Related posts:

  1. 23,215 reasons to say thank you! March's traffic was pretty amazing. Chris shares his thanks!...

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

12 Responses leave one →
  1. April 1, 2010

    hahaha! Hilarious. have you seen this website? . happy April fools! :)

  2. April 1, 2010

    I love this article! Im from Houston but lived in Dallas for 3yrs and hated it. I never fully understood why they called it “Big D” till i saw your map. I just always thought it stood for “Big Douche”. Im a Houstonian but I love Austin, its my 2nd home. Keep up the great work!


    Bite Me Houston

  3. Jesse permalink
    April 1, 2010

    Why are you so worried about Dallas? Penis Envy?

  4. GrapeApe permalink
    April 1, 2010

    Being from Plano, a suburb of that gawd-awful cock n’ ballz area, I too can say that we should fold up our little hippie commune of a town we call The Peoples Republic of Austin and move there.

    It offers: fake tans, big hair, plenty of assholes, really horrible radio (except for KNON & KNTU in Denton), LOTS of $, watering holes that you can’t legally swim in because your body parts will rot off and super-sexy cement. It’s my kind of place! MASS EXODUS!

    I love you Chris!

    • April 1, 2010

      Hahaha! You couldn’t get me to move up. Even if I was kidnapped and bound, I would find some way to slash my wrists :) Bless Dallas’s heart ;)

  5. April 1, 2010

    A quote from one of my favorite new comedians Eugene Mirman: “Dallas is about as fun as a 24 hour CVS.”

  6. April 4, 2010

    lol at this post. I just wrote a review of a new store in Austin whose slogan on their webstie is “Look like Dallas. Pay like Austin.” I thought maybe I was the only one offended by this slogan, but I’m pretty sure I’m not!

  7. urbndwlr permalink
    April 7, 2010

    As you probably know, your map is actually both Dallas and Fort Worth.

    We Fort Worthians cannot stand being mentioned in with Dallas as though we are one entity because we are so different and distinct as cities. Unfortunatley, many Americans don’t have a very strong grasp of georgraphy so I feel it is necessary to elaborate. The cities are about 33 miles apart and completely distinct, different cultures, economies, communities.

    I think most Fort Worthians are on board with most Austinites (I am a former Austinite) in that we often wonder aloud what about Dallas inspires its population and its media to promote the city so aggressively. We don’t really get it. The way I summarize our two different civic attitudes is that Dallas, bigger = better. In Fort Worth, better = better. I think Ausin embraces the same view.

    Anyway, come see us in Fort Worth for a more appealing North Texas experience.



Trackbacks and Pingbacks

  1. 23,215 reasons to say thank you! | Republic of Austin

Leave a Reply

Note: You can use basic XHTML in your comments. Your email address will never be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

To leave a comment, enter your info in the form or sign in securely with your Twitter account.