Young Austinites, it does get better: My personal struggles with suicide and sexuality.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Today’s post deals with two rough topics: suicide and sexuality. If you’ve got a problem with either one of them, don’t read. And if this post offends you, eff off.
Today I’m wearing purple in remembrance of the recent suicides by gay teens affected by bullying. I’m also here to tell everyone of all ages, straight, gay, queer, that things get better. Suicide is not the answer. It does get better.
Me at SXSW 2010 in my favorite purple shirt and hoodie.
Suicide and sexuality are two things our society would like to sweep under the rug. Television and movies make us feel we have to look, act and be a certain way–but that image doesn’t always fit with the person we are inside. My entire life, I have been one of those people that doesn’t fit.
My first bout with depression was when I was 9. I remember sitting in my room wanting to kill myself. But being too young to know about knives, nooses or carbon monoxide, I thought I could smother myself with a blanket. Wrapping my head with my quilt, I sat on my bed and waited to run out of oxygen. Nothing happened.
Growing up, I was a little awkward. Not necessarily effeminate, I had a high-pitched voice. Although I love sports, out on the field I’d often get distracted by butterflies or flowers. Plus, I spent a lot of my free time drawing and painting.
I started getting called faggot in the 2nd grade. More than a few times guys spat on me at the water fountain or at recess. Thankfully, my grandfather taught me to laugh it off; my mom taught me a bunch of super dirty retorts–’bloody cunt scab’ being my favorite; and my spirituality taught me to turn the other cheek.
Me at a 7th Grade dance.
As I moved into my teens, the feelings of depression turned into anxiety and anger. It was hard to connect with other guys. And I was getting into a lot of fights.
Finally in 8th grade, I met someone with whom I immediately clicked. His name was Brian. And although neither one of us knew it at the time, he was gay.
Gay. To a young boy, the word is weak and anti-man. For some, it can also feel like a death penalty: Either you spend your life dressing in women’s clothes or you have AIDS. Oh yeah, and God hates gays. There’s no gray, only black and white.
The first person I came out to was my brother. I was 15. He was 11. We were camping. Early one morning I told him “Mikey, I think I love boys.” He said, “That’s cool.” It would be several years before I knew what any of that meant, but I somehow felt free.
In High School, I started going to raves every weekend. I met folks who were accepting of all types of people. My close friends were also supportive and full of love. But still I felt different: I wasn’t like my gay friends and I wasn’t like my straight friends. I’d get so angry with myself for not knowing who or what I was. The suicidal thoughts came back. The bullying started up again.
Me as a moody 17 year old
One day in the locker room after swim practice, I was cornered by two swimmers and another athlete. They shoved me against the lockers. One of them put his forearm against my throat while the other two held me against the wall. “Kiss me, faggot,” he said, inches from my lips.
Freaked out, I kneed him in the crotch and started screaming “GET OFF ME YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!” They let go of me, and I ran. When my Tongan friends caught wind of what happened, no bullies ever messed with me again.
College was better and worse. During my freshman year, I knew that I was not normal. At the same time, I was meeting new people. I didn’t want them to not like me, so I kept the curious side of my life secret. I experimented with guys and girls, and guess what: I still couldn’t figure a damn thing out.
Me as a Junior in HS getting ready to go to Prom.
Things weren’t so easy for my friends from High School. Brian, my first non-sexual “boyfriend,” put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger during a thunderstorm. Two other gay friends similarly took their lives after struggling to come to terms with their sexuality.
For months after Brian’s suicide, I would drive around Austin and scream at him until I’d go hoarse. He killed himself 11 years ago this month. He’s missed a lot of amazing experiences. He’d probably be living in New York now. He would have loved (and then hated) Lady Gaga.
Over the years, I’ve come to realize that I’m NOT gay. I’m a proud bisexual. I’ve learned that nothing about me is “normal.” My ideas, my outlook on life, my experiences are all my own. And I’m happy with that. My life is full of joy and happiness. The world has plenty suited businessmen and worker drones. A healthy world needs color and variety.
It took me a LONG time to understand that. For years I had suicidal thoughts. In San Francisco I worked at a firm that hated me. In not so many words, they told me I was dumb. They told me I’d misrepresented myself. And for a second, I believed them. Thankfully, I quit that job and followed it with an amazing firm that embraced my creativity and gave me the confidence I have today.
It DOES get better. There’s not one path. There’s not one type of person. You will move away from home. You will meet other people like you. You will have a life full of joy, happiness and love. You will walk in the light of the Lord.
If you are feeling suicidal, please get help. If you don’t have anyone close you can trust, please email me. I promise it will get better.
Me with my grandmother in September 2010.
Graphic by Michael McCrary (http://mmccrary.com)
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Awww. That photo of you with your grandma is precious.
Thanks for opening up and sharing your personal struggles. I am so proud of the people like you.
<3
Thanks, Joanna.
I’m proud of people like YOU, too. You put yourself out there on your posts, too. Keep it up!
Inspiring post, Chris. Beautifully put and courageously written. What a horrific thing to have to deal with, for anyone. Thanks for this and hopefully, soon, this won’t be an issue anymore. Here’s to that.
Thanks, brother!
I love that you said your tongan friends stuck up for you. The tongan culture is a large part of my hometown and my old high school so I can identify with that.
thanks for posting your struggle and letting others know it gets better
It means a lot to more people than you’ll ever know.
I love Tongans and Tongan culture. They were a huge part of my life growing up. Their idea of community as family really helped support me through tough times!
Thanks for reading!
Thanks for sharing, Chris — and thanks for being on the planet with me! You reminded this older and more recent Austinite that we who have made it through those horrible times have reason to celebrate — and to help make it less horrible for the younger ones. You’ve inspired me!
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing. Very beautiful.
Thanks for sharing, Chris. This was a great read; I know it couldn’t have been easy to type this and open it up to the world.
Thanks, Tyler!!
Thank you for sharing your story, Chris. Also, beautiful pic of you and your grandmother! Hearing about people like Brian really angers me. Think of how many sensitive and loving people we have lost through childhood bullying!
Thanks ,Jodi!
Brian’s death was hard to get over. Hopefully his story will help other people! 
Superb post. Thanks for your honesty and for tackling this topic.
I was never bullied when I was young, but that was largely due to the fact that in high school I was a genius at stoicism and arguably one of the most repressed individuals in North America. It didn’t seriously occur to me that I might be gay until I was 23 – up to that point, I’d always assumed that I was straight and just really bad at it.
Repression can be (and was in my situation) a terrific survival mechanism – in my religion (long since jettisoned) and in my home (long since reconciled), homosexuality was the one absolutely, unforgivably, irrefutably, unpardonable sin. If I’d been forced to deal with my sexuality head-on at 15 or 16 (or even younger), I really doubt I’d be here today.
But eventually I got older, moved away, stopped drinking the theological poison, made awesome friends, etc. Self-honesty and self-acceptance was a long, sometimes difficult (one entire summer in particular), but, in the end, extraordinarily healthy process.
And now? I live in my favorite city in the world with my partner of 13+ years and our adopted kiddo. Does it get better? It gets inconceivably better.
Thanks for sharing your story, Brad. It’s interesting how time and maturity puts things into perspective. Congrats on the 13+ year relationship!!
Thanks for sharing your personal story, it was very touching. Makes me miss my friend who took his life 6 years ago. He was such a creative, passionate person….to think all he has missed out on. I appreciate your openess and honesty. Hopefully we can spread this message loud and clear.
Hey Meghan! I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Hopefully this issue doesn’t fade out.
Thank you for this. You are amazing, my dear.
I am so glad you are here.
xoxoox
YOU! are amazing
I’m so glad you are here!
Chris,
Good on you for sharing your story. Love the photos!
XOXO,
Mel
Aww shucks! Thanks, Mel!
thanks for sharing your story, chris! and who could possibly not like you? you’re way fun, easy to work with and just so dang friendly.
Hahaha! Thanks, Terri! Glad someone thinks so. LOL
If I could have a superpower, I’d make childhood safe for all kids. You lived through hell and sorrow and judgment that no kid should endure, and the suicide of your friend, and bullying and cruelty and hatred. I can’t believe what a gentle loving soul you are now, with what you’ve endured. I am sad (really!) that none of my kids is gay or lesbian. I really wanted a gay kid, so I could mirror total acceptance and joy in being who you are born to be. Maybe a grandkid… I’ll just have to wait. But I’m so glad to know you and I carry this story of yours deep in my heart. May you have a lovely, long life with a partner who sees your magnificence and kids who are so happy to be with you!
Thanks for sharing this story, Chris. I’m glad things have gotten better for you.
Thanks, Mike! The further I get into adulthood, the more I realize how beautiful the world is. Every day is a blessing.
Hope you are well, bud!
Thanks so much for writing this. As someone who has attempted suicide, I know how important it is to have a slew of reminders that life can be beautiful and pain and suffering will not always touch us so deeply. I’m adding your story to my arsenal.
This is great. I don’t know you (yet) but I admire people who won’t put themselves in one box (straight) or the other (gay) and just knows how to “be”. Good for you and glad you’re still with us.
Thank you!
Chris,
I’m a big fan of your blog and a follower of your blog on facebook. I’m also the Suicide Prevention Coordinator for UT-Austin. As someone who’s an big advocate for suicide prevention both at UT and in the Central Texas community, I just want to say a heart felt thank you for sharing your story. Its an incredibly brave thing to do. I know you’ve helped save the lives of teens and other people who are struggling today.
If anyone in Central Texas wants more information about suicide prevention, they can check out http://www.texassuicideprevention.org
Thank you again,
Marian
Thank you, Marian! Hope it helps!
All I can say is “Thank you” for sharing your story and being strong enough NOT to end your life so that the rest of us can appreciate all that you do. I pray for the day when everyone realizes that God created ALL. Each amazing incredible creative person including you.
Thank you, Kristina! So true.