“World AIDS Day 2009: A Personal Remembrance From Austin, Texas”

Here’s the deal: HIV and AIDS may be something that’s been drilled down our throats for years, so it’s easy to go numb.  I’m gonna use what little voice I have today to talk about something other than Tiger Woods so that: 1) people who are scared to get tested will get tested 2) people who are living with HIV and AIDS (especially young ones) will feel less stigmatized 3) people who don’t know anyone with HIV or AIDS can be more informed and 4) because some people spend every day of the year living in fear.

While only one member of my family has died, fourteen amazing people in my life have passed during my short trip on this rock.  Those fourteen consist of four beautiful people who died of AIDS-related illnesses, four beautiful people who died in a car accident, three beautiful High School friends who died of drug overdoses, three beautiful boys who committed suicide because they were gay or bisexual, and one beautiful girl who committed suicide after struggling with depression for years.  Other than getting hit by a car, the biggest thing for me to be scared of is dying of AIDS.

My fear of AIDS started in High School when I saw KIDS, the movie about a high school dude that loves deflowering young girls and unknowingly gives AIDS to Chloe Sevigny.  Even though I was still mostly a virgin, I was certain that the cough that sprang up a day after I saw the movie was an indication that I had the disease. After a long two weeks waiting for results, I found out I wasn’t, but for the following two years, every time I got a sniffle, I shuffled to the nearest testing center as fast as I could.

It wasn’t until I started working at Oilcan Harry’s down on 4th Street in 1996 that I’d really met anyone with HIV or AIDS.  During the four years I worked there, it was one of the highest volume gay clubs in Texas, so being a doorman put me in touch with a lot of beautiful people who had the illness.  One of them, the head doorman Eddie, would later become my good friend and spiritual adviser.

Before I’d started working at the bar, Eddie had confiscated my fake ID, basically ruining my ability to buy beer or go to clubs.  I hated him at first, but as I got to know him, I let go of my pettiness and discovered he was pretty cool.

Googled "Eddie Oilcan's Austin" and found this picture from 1998. I'm on the left--so YOUNG. Eddie is on the right. He was a little Buddha.

Eddie was a very spiritual person–but not in that Stepford Wife sort of way and not in that “I need saving way.”  It was like he understood that life is fleeting, and knew that the answers don’t lie in the material world.  Like me, he studied Buddhism. In the midst of the chaos that accompanies working nights at a bar, he would inject little bits of non-violent and Buddhist wisdom, like how to stay peaceful in the face of hate and violence.

I remember one night some gay basher broke a bottle over a gay dude’s head and started threatening the patrons of the bar.  As much as I wanted to kick that guy’s ass, Eddie made me restrain the guy and peacefully wait until the cops came. He told me that hate, violence and anger don’t bring peace, only peace does.  Those words are easy to say, but to actually live them in the heat of the moment takes so much will power, but Eddie brought it every night.

The last time I saw Eddie before he entered the hospital was on a bus downtown.  As I was boarding, he was walking up the aisle.  Handing me a cardboard envelope, he said, “I brought this for you.” It was a small picture of the Buddha that he’d gotten blessed by the Dahli Lama.  He bowed to me and then got off the bus before I’d even had time to process anything.  It was kinda magical because I still can’t figure out how he knew I’d be on that bus.  He died a few weeks later from complications due to AIDS after living with HIV for more than 10 years. Crying right now thinking about it. Eddie would have laughed at me.

Since Eddie’s death, I’ve met a lot of beautiful people with HIV or AIDS.  I’ve been there when they’ve gotten their results.  I’ve lived with them.  I’ve been on dates with them.  Some are straight. Some are black. Some are latino. Some are women.  Some are really sick.  And some are the healthiest, most vivacious and inspiring people I know.

No matter how much contact I have with those living with HIV or AIDS, I’m still scared ishless.  Even though it only takes 20 minutes for results instead of two weeks, I still panic when I get tested.  But I still get tested, because not knowing is more stressful to me than those twenty minutes of waiting. And as a divorced, bisexual man who’s sexually active, I owe it to my partners to know my status.

So, yeah, on World AIDS Day, I’m facing AIDS, remembering those I’ve lost and celebrating the lives of those who are living.  I also want people to feel comfortable getting tested.  Did y’all know that 6000 people in Central Texas have AIDS and 20% don’t even know it. And it’s not just gay men. In Travis County, infections among women have doubled since 2005.  Get tested, y’all!

Not sure where to get tested? Text your ZIP code to “KNOWIT” (566948), or visit www.asaustin.org/testing. Outside of Austin? Hit up http://www.HIVTest.org.

Namaste.