I’m a little depressed this morning, y’all. My cousin got fatally injured at the ROT rally. After many attempts to get her not to go, she went anyway. As a consequence, she is no longer with us. I warned her, but I can’t blame her. For me, the Republic of Texas (no relation) rally is one of the scariest, yet most fascinating events of the year in Austin.

Reasons I’m scared? Um, first off, there are HUNDREDS of motorcycles roaring around the city. I’m an armadillo, and unlike a lot of humans, I’m not scared of 1. the biker chicks’ leathery skin (who am I to judge) 2. biker dudes (I’ve got a thick skin) or 3. bikers having ‘sex on wheels.’ Nope, I’m a dillo and the thought of crossing Congress Ave during ROT weekend gives me panic attacks. Heck, I can’t even leave the house because I’m SO SCARED OF GETTING RUN OVER.

If you’re not a dillo, you probably don’t understand. Imagine this: As the first wheel hits, my shell cracks. The second wheel breaks my shell completely. And if the car/motorcycle behind doesn’t swerve out of the way, well, then I’m completely flattened. I think y’all call it “road kill.” Nice.

But there’s another thing you non-dillo’s don’t understand: We <3 shiny things. They are so hard to resist. Like moths to a flame, a shiny thing pulls us in, and we can’t look away–not even to save our own life. And at the ROT rally, there’s so  much chrome, it’s like a feast to lil dillo eyes!

Sadly, my cousin could not resist all the shiny things. Her body was found fatally smashed at the side of South Congress. Her name was Fiona. As you might be able to tell from the totally bridge-and-tunnel shell she’s wearing, she was visiting from Marble Falls. She didn’t know how to handle herself in the big city. RIP, Fiona. You will be missed.

Fiona’s iPhone, wrapped in a rubberized case, bounced into the bushes. We were able to pull these photos off of it. As you’ll see in these photos below, Fiona was obsessed with the shiny parts of the motorcycles. This fascination probably led to her savage demise.

What do you think about the Republic of Texas Rally?

Do you think motorcycles are part of an Illuminati plot to wipe out the armadillo population of Texas?

When you see that an armadillo’s been hit, do you a. stop and help b. swerve c. gun the engine and hit it again?

Have you ever eaten ‘road kill’?

Is revenge really a dish served cold?

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