“BOOK CHAT: ‘Spent’ by Sally Palaian: Does Family History Affect Financial Problems?”
There were always lots of presents under my family's tree at Christmas.
As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, I’m reading “Spent: Break the Buying Obsession and Discover Your True Worth” by Sally Palaian. So far, it’s helped me determine that I’m a compulsive spender. In the book after you determine your psychological spending type, the next step is to look into your past in order to figure out why you have the spending habits you do. Specifically, you look at how your were raised.
My childhood was pretty idyllic: two parents, two siblings (for the most part little rivalry) and family vacations. Mom, the main breadwinner for the family, paid all the bills. She was also the biggest spender in the family.
Me with my dad
My family seemed to use money as a symbol of love. With mom, “quality time” was spent at the shopping mall. When I was hurt or upset, tears were wiped away with new clothes or a new toy. I think I can only recall one moment from my childhood when I was told I couldn’t have something, and of course I threw a fit!
I guess this all explains a lot of my behavior now. I was raised always getting what I wanted: clothes, pets, toys, even vacations. When I said I wanted to go to Hawaii one summer, we went. I wasn’t taught that money is limited. I guess it’s no surprise that as an adult I’m having trouble living within my means.
Washing my new bike!
Being raised equating love with money and gifts, it makes sense that I freak out when my husband tells me I shouldn’t spend my money on something that I really want. For me, it feels like he doesn’t love me or won’t let me express my love the way I want to. I guess it’s also how I show myself love when I buy new clothes, go out to eat, or escape on vacation in an attempt to make myself feel better.
I’ve had to retrain myself to understand that living under this mountain of debt is crap. If I want to help my kids have a healthier relationship with money than what I had, I will need to change my spending habits to secure their financial future as much as my own.
COMMENT: How was money dealt with in your family growing up? What issues or problems from your childhood do you think affect your spending habits today? Let us know in the comments
Related posts:
- “BOOK CHAT: ‘Spent’ by Sally Palaian: I’m a Compulsive Spender. What About You?”
- Financial Awakening, Part II: Knowing and Owning Your Financial Situation
- Financial Awakening, Part III: Debt is slavery
- “Financial Awakening, Part I: Drowning in Debt”
- What your parents didn’t teach you about money or how to help kids understand spending
An interesting article. It seems like Palain (so close to Palin, ironic?) boiled down Marxist anti-consumerism into a spending/self-help book. There’s an entire field of study devoted to how Western culture frames itself in terms of consumerism. For example, English users qualify time as a commodity: “time spent,” “time saved,” “out of time,” etc. That sort of stuff. Some Native Americans saw time as a perpetual wheel, consisting of the eternal present, so their metaphors of time are drastically different.
My point being that I think what you’re talking about–how your family equated love with money, togetherness at the mall–is deeply ingrained in Americana. Books (and articles!) like this help shed light on the issue; however, when the problem is entrenched in our language, it takes serious recognition of the extent it’d take to overcome it.
As for my family, it was much the same. Still is. America equates money with love, another slap in the face of the marginalized poor.
Good read, though. Thanks.
Hey Frank. Glad to hear you enjoyed the post. It’s a precarious situation we find ourselves in as Americans. So much of our economy is dependent on us buying things, but rampant consumerism isn’t a great idea either. This is what I’m struggling with right now. I hope my posts continue to interest you!
The book does sound interesting. I would like to see how my husband was raised compared to myself. It will probably explain a WHOLE lot. But again, I am a lot like Doug and Peyton is a lot you. Weird, isn’t it.
Hey Julie, that would be a great conversation to have with Peyton! It’s really eyeopening to find out that many couples don’t really talk about money as often as they should. It also seems as though one person in the relationship is completely out of the loop. Is that how it is in your marriage?
It was great meeting you last night, Rachel. Reading this made me remember a story from when I was a small child. We were in a store and I asked my parents for a toy. They told me that in order to have the toy, I would need money. I asked how we get money. My mom said that’s why daddy works. My response: “Go to work, daddy!”…. Ouch!
I enjoyed meeting you, too, Jodi! Thanks for the “Free Smores” info as I’ll definitely be checking that out sometime soon. You should come, too, so I can pester you more to be a part of my series on couples and money
J/K!